Archive for February, 2011
February 21st, 2011 Posted 2:18 am
Well, another January-March is upon me and I have fallen deeply into this latest melancholy as if I never left it last year.
It’s bizarre to think that I can almost completely predict these things. Though, truthfully, I don’t think I really recovered from last year properly.
I thought, perhaps, with last year’s official medical diagnosis of “you’re just bored, dear, now go get a hobby or three…” that I might finally be cured. Perhaps, I thought to myself, I might not need a chemical crutch again. But weeks turned into months and still the happiness that getting gainful stuff to do promised didn’t turn up. But I persisted.
I tried Wing Chun, thinking that it might help me if I did a martial art. And for a while it did, then the self-hate spiral kicked in and I dropped out just after passing my first belt. I decided that I just wasn’t capable of improvement and that there really was no point paying the fee if I was going to dread going every week. I was so convinced that I could never, ever, be as good as the others in the room that I refused to accept Ian and the instructor’s encouragements. To be honest, it’s hard to regret that decision. Now I don’t dread my weekend, there’s no hope that I will fail to learn something so simple that even the teenagers can do it naturally, instinctively, while I fail utterly at remembering left from right and, in my embarrassment, get more flustered and useless.
On the other hand, my volunteering is going well. I always promised myself I would give back to society and doing so helps fix my self-view. Where I normally see myself as some useless thing, put on this earth to impose, it lifts me out of that somewhat and reminds me that I’m useful for something. It kinda helps that I have a very supportive co-ordinator handling my deployment and it’s a charity very close to my heart. That being said, I’m half tempted to do more charity work… perhaps I might give up another day and help out in a shop or something. It truly makes me happy and while I’m out there I feel like somehow, in some tiny little way, that’s my calling.
In other areas, the excitement for my wedding is almost permanently tampered with the dread of my mother in law’s nagging. See, the thing about her is that she’s really very good at it and the thing about me is that I am incredibly stubborn and when nagged it just makes me want to be more stubborn. She’ll probably never win and Ian will probably go prematurely grey at the way I handle it. Otherwise, I totally can’t wait to make Ian mine permanently. It’s one of the many things that keep me going on a regular basis. It’s altogether much more effective than the chemical crutch the doctor would give me.
Anyway, my point is…. I’m not bored. I have no time to be bored. So there must be some reason I’m so melancholy all the time. It’s getting progressively harder to work out why so I’ve put myself on another ridiculous diet/fitness regime in case it’s a body image thing. So far, it’s not working. I lost 5kg and kept it off and, though I still freak out when I gain weight, it’s not affected my happiness at all. I discussed perhaps taking up running, coming to an agreement that I ought to try power walking first before actually running distances. But the main issue with that is that if I have no time to be bored, when will I get time to do that. I’ll figure something out.
Anyway, enough of this. None of you wished to see all this meaningless drivel about how I’m always melancholy these days. Instead I will leave you with the knowledge that my son is the second most vicious denizen of our house. He even threatens (when given a doctor’s kit (made of plastic) and played with) to cut people up.